Choke out in McDonalds

For my sins, or rather for the money I did a few months working McDonald's late shifts in York on a weekend.  The one job I've hated with a passion bordering on religion, it is quite simply the most horrible, miserable, depressing place to work and I had to leave before I lost the plot!

On one bank holiday Sunday night I was working with an old school doorman called Jim, and we were running it tight, we knew the dangers of there only being the two of us so kept a visual on where each other was at all times.   We had an incident inside between a polish lad and three squaddies so both had to go inside to sort it out.  

We separated the groups and the rule there is people rarely get asked to leave!  Which is stupid and bloody dangerous if you ask me and any other sensible doorman.  As I moved the polish lad back to a table to finish his food he said he's stay away from them so myself and Jim moved back to the front door.  All of a sudden we heard a shout and commotion behind us and as we turned around the polish lad had gone straight back up to the group and hit the biggest one!   

We went charging over, Jim being pretty massive going straight for the soldiers, arms outstretched in an attempt to hold them back, I went for the polish lad trying to get a hold on him.  He began to wriggle and seeing Jim holding three guys I took the easy option.  I choked the lad out.  It was one of the fastest knockouts I've ever done I don't mind saying!   Classic rear-naked choke as its called which involves wrapping one arm around the neck of your victim then holding your other arms bicep with that hand you use your free hand to push the top of the head forwards tightening all as you do so.   I want to say it took two to three seconds to knock him out obviously I couldn't time it but I surprised myself when I felt him go limp!   I lay him down gently and quite luckily I might add in a perfect recovery position!   

The affect of this was twofold for me as the soldiers all stopped squabbling at once and stood their with their mouths open and then Jim's face as he turned his head to see what had happened, and then looked at the floor and opened his mouth too!   Situation, sorted.

The stupidity of alcohol

Lots of people say, you must see some sights and oh boy do we.  You think you've seen it all and you never have cos alcohol is a creative drug and makes even the smartest person a dribbling fool!

I was working in a club one night and was talking to a colleague when I saw a man approach one of the massive mirrored walls we had and then point and shout at it!   We looked at each other in disbelief and I started to look behind the man to see if he had friends watching and he was just messing around but couldn't see anyone.  

The man continued to point and seemed to be getting even more aggressive so I approached him and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Mate are you ok?" I said

"This prick here!!!!!" Came the response.

Jesus he was serious!  I was slightly open mouthed myself when I said

"Fella.  That's a fucking mirror"

The mans face seemed to take a while to register this then he looked at the mirror, then back at me.  Then he was slightly open mouthed!

"Come on" I said, gently taking his arm and leading him to the door.   He didn't offer any resistance and still looked bewildered all the way outside without saying another word to me! 

Mere weeks after this happened I was in the same club in the same spot, this time watching a man come alongside me to a table and proceed to pick up a mini vase with a lit tea light candle in it and try to drink it!   I managed to grab his arm in time before the prat burnt himself but he left in an equally confused manner! 

One of the funniest fails I saw was when I'd finished at a bar and gone into another for a drink myself, I went to the smoking area having got my drink and started to roll a smoke.   Two seconds later a body lands next to me on the floor from an idiot who'd been kicked out of the front door and decided to climb over the massive back fence and drop down!  Hurting himself and straight into a doorman.  Epic fail but he did spend about five seconds on the premises before I opened the fire gate and pushed him out.

Never mess with a Pole!

Just a short one about a Polish Doorman called Maciej, he was doing a random toilet check one night and found a guy doing coke, he radioed me to let me know and when I got there the guy was clearly a prat and having a go at Maciej, not a good idea!  Maciej simply wrapped his arms round the guy and marched him to the front door.  

When we got to the front door he let go and gently and I do mean gently here punched the guy forwards, he made the tiniest step forwards with his foot and stubbed his toe in an over dramatic way and promptly fell forward.  For some reason though he didn't put his arms out to break his fall and face planted the pavement, hilarious to the point we realised he wasn't getting up and a pool of blood was forming on the pavement. 

Maciej looks at me and said the immortal words, quite worryingly calmly, 

"oh shit, I finally kill someone"

I do remember raising my eyebrows to say the least!

The guy was absolutely fine and ended up getting arrested after he called the police!

UFC has a lot to answer for!

Well I've been on the doors for fifteen years now and times have definitely changed, not always for the better either. Before the 24 hour drinking came in I worked at a bar until midnight then would go to a nightclub and work there from half twelve till three ish, one night when I got there I was having a quick walk around and came across a young lad maybe 20 at most in front of me absolutely mortal drunk, swaying from side to side and struggling to stand up straight.

"Right lad", I chuckled "you're proper drunk bud, you need to leave, come back another night yeah?!" 

The little shit swing for me!  It was a crap overhand right and I stepped forward, ducking the punch and wrapped my right arm under his wild swing and around his neck pulling him towards my body and locking him by simply holding my hands in this position, I marched straight for he door mumbling and swearing to myself about arrogant little shits.

When I got to the front door the head doorman Shaun smiled then paused and said "Dan"

"What, look he tried to punch me" I said still holding the lad.

"No, Dan look!"  Shaun pointed at the lads head.  I let go.  The lad dropped to the floor, I'd squeezed so hard at first he was unconscious!  Oops.

The flip side to this is when I was working in a late bar only a year or so ago, there was a young lad about the same age and build standing at the bar looking unbelievably aggressive.  I mean he looked like he wanted to kill someone just a face of pure anger.   

I approached him and asked "hey bud you ok?"  

"Yeah fine" came the snappy response.

I weighed up the situation as we have to do and made the decision he should leave.   We as doormen have to make these decisions very quickly based upon a variety of factors but something about this lad just set every instinct off in me telling me this guy was bad news, he's gonna hit someone.  He had two friends with him who looked fine but you never can tell and the way that bar was run we had to deal with a lot on our own so I replied as calmly as I could to see if his response changed first.

"Fella has something happened cos you look really angry and upset bud and you're kinda scaring people, are you sure you're ok?"

Offering help to anyone can quite often change someones mood and I hoped this may change his attitude to me but sadly not.

"Yeah I said I'm fucking fine ok" came the reply.

"Right bud well I'm sorry but you look like you're gonna hit someone and you're scaring people and you're obviously not ok so I don't know what's happened but you're gonna have to leave and come back another time" I said.

I motioned towards to door and began moving forwards, he took one step forwards then span round firing a quick right jab at me.  Instinct took over as I ducked and went to block grabbing his arm with my left, that's when the left hook came at me which is when the adrenaline first kicked in, this guy knew how to fight and I was about to find out how well.  I blocked the hook with my right arm wrapping my arm around his as I did so in an attempt to lock him up as we call it.  He dropped his bodyweight backwards loosening my grip and jumped as we both fell, yes jumped up and attempted a flying armbar on my right arm!!   For those of you who don't know what an armbar is, imagine lying on your back with your arm outstretched, then imagine someone putting their legs over your chest and, pulling your arm straight then lifting their hips thereby hyper-extending your shoulder potentially dislocating it!  This is an advanced martial arts move and can result in serious injury if not performed in a controlled environment.  This was when the second burst of adrenaline hit and I thank the stars that I've done a variety of martial arts over the years or id have been screwed without a doubt.  Muscle memory took over and instead of allowing my arm to straighten which enables him to pop my shoulder I dropped all my weight on top of him and grabbed his neck with my right hand squeezing as hard as I could, I won't lie survival defiantly took over there!   I reached up with my left for my radio and shouted "Wayne get in here!" as loud as I could!  

Meantime with adrenaline still firing I checked my back fearing a boot heading my way but luckily no, the guys mates were stood staring, again spilt second decision time cos reality can kick back in and they could jump on me In a second!  I shouted at them "back off I'm not hitting him I'm just holding him, he went for me!" 

Luckily this seemed to work as they obviously weren't fighters like their mate and again I thank the stars for that too.

Wayne came charging over and we got the lad up and marched him to the door and outside.   We put the police camera on him as he started mouthing off, sadly Wayne wasn't as quick as me to duck when the lad punched him and got a bloody lip for getting too close, life's harsh sometimes I guess!

Crazy Eastern Europeans 3

I worked with a mountain sorry a doorman a while ago called Marek.  To say Marek was a big unit was to call a Japanese whaling factory a bloody fishing boat!   He trained a lot and over the few years I knew him got bigger and bigger, hitting the best part of 28 stone at one point I believe.

Now a lot of people say "oh all doorman are on steroids". This isn't necessarily the case but with Marek it was.  He was already massive so on gear just became a hulk!

I remember chatting with him that I was training and eating loads but I've always struggled to put weight on, Marek's response, "for you Dan the only way is the way of Deca".  

Deca is a type of anabolic steroid and is very popular,  I myself have tried two 8 week courses of steroids over the years to see what gains I got, but and probably for the best, I don't put weight on easily so decided the cons outweighed the benefits for me.  After explaining this to Marek however his reply was simply,

"But what do you know of insulin Dan?"

Be good, or come find me mwah ha ha

One of the nicest and most decent doorman I ever worked with was called Tony, he was around 45 and from North London, balding with a white goatee beard and a cheeky smile which suited his chunky but not fat frame.  

Tony always amazed me with the women, pulling nearly every night and when he didn't certainly getting enough cheeky smiles to keep him happy!

His catchphrase when girls were leaving was "be good, and if you can't be good be careful, and if you can't be careful come find me mwah ha ha!"  And you wouldn't believe just how often it worked to the point he would occasionally come and ask me if he could disappear down a fire escape for five mins!  I do actually remember once saying "yes, but this time make sure your radio isn't transmitting!" Yes we'd heard it all and the sex sounds and talk of a 45 year old Norf' London old school bouncer aren't the sexiest in the world!  

On another evening I remember it being quiet midweek at the blue lounge and as I was filling out paperwork on the front door Tony was complaining about the cold.

"Can't I wear my 'at its cold Dan?"

"No Tony you can't mate, you know the manager thinks it makes us look too aggressive on the door" came my reply for the umpteenth time.

"Well can I wear my gloves then?" He asked.

"Yes Tony you can wear your gloves" I sighed wondering what he was upto.

I turned round to see Tony had sellotaped his gloves to his head.  Always choose your words carefully around doormen!

Fun with food

I've previously mentioned that doormen will always find a way to entertain themselves, this can be in a variety of ways from pretending to be foreign to seeing who can kick their chewing gum the furthest!   

Whilst working at the Olympics I nipped to asda one day to grab a few bits, I was munching on some beef jerky as I was leaving and noticed the pet food aisle, and packets of dog beef jerky!  A sudden idea hit me.  If I bought a couple of packets of dog beef jerky, and a couple of packets of normal beef jerky then transferred the contents, would a group of hungry doormen eat them?  The answer is yes they will!  Ah happy days.

Another time I was being a bastard, sorry having fun, I was doing a cover shift in Grimsby.   I'd been at a hungry horse pub for a few shifts and only had a few left to do with their regular head doorman  Mike.  Now Mike liked his spicy food and the pub served chicken wings and scampi and the like till eleven pm and with us finishing at twelve Mike would have the chef prepare him some take home food for when we finished.   On this particular evening it was chicken wings but with five little dip pots of chilli sauce numbered 1-5 in order of strength.  The temptation was too much to resist and when Mike went to lock the fire escapes I switched the tops of the pots over at random!   Shall we say I was still driving back to Harrogate when the text messages began! 

Crazy Eastern Europeans 2

Soo while I'm thinking of the crazy guys I've worked with I can't leave out Maciej, quite possibly one of the most dangerous men I've ever met, but what a sense of humour and a top, decent bloke to boot.  Maciej is polish and when I first met him still had the usual Eastern Block mannerisms I'd got used to.
A lot of these guys appear very angry and aggressive but in their countries and culture they have to be to survive, which doesn't always work in the UK but many, like Maciej, adapted extremely well.  I fact almost the second sentence out of his mouth scared me nearly as much as the drinker he was talking to!

 It was his first shift with me on the door at BrB in Harrogate, I think it was a Friday night, so pretty busy with plenty of people in the streets.   Maciej turned up at 8 o clock as expected and he introduced himself then we went straight to the front door as we noticed a group of chavvy looking guys outside and I wanted to make sure they didn't come in.  The group did indeed come towards the door and I told them that they couldn't come in citing the dress code as they had trainers and sportswear on and told them at weekends we didn't allow that as many places in town centers don't.
This is usually a good way of dealing with undesirables and most accept it without too much aggro.  Sadly these guys decided to tell us in great detail just how much their trainers and tracksuits cost, and pointing at a few people with cheap shoes on already inside, it's a well known argument on the doors and happens all the time when actually all we want to say is, you ain't coming in cos you're a scumbag and you know it!   But they always want a row and to try and get a rise out of doormen so they can make a complaint, oh the joys of suing culture!  

I listened and listened and just as I was about to call the street camera in an effort to move them on Maciej decided to weigh in, he loomed forward and in a thick Eastern European accent said 

"Look, I am not like these assholes round here, I am from Eastern Europe and I will fucking kill you now fuck off!" 

Needless to say the blood was draining from my face a little as I contemplated whether he in fact HAD killed anyone or not!  

 It definitely had to desired affect thou as the group obviously noticed me looking slightly worried too and decided to beat a hasty retreat!  Score one for the poles.

Fishing for chav's

Scarborough, what a town, certainly raises a few eyebrows here and there and can be a lovely place to visit, sadly there a lot of chav's there.  The Burberry brigade operates in full swing of an evening, annoying nice folk, causing trouble and for some reason attempting to do a cockney accent no matter where they hail from! The chav tends to terrorize in groups picking the weakest target they can to intimidate and bully, well I, like most people, absolutely hate bully's having suffered at their hands when I was young.  I know the fear and also know these days that I can meet bullies with strength cos that's the only thing that makes them stop.
 I decided to take it upon myself to start fighting back at the groups of chav's I saw trying to intimidate and pressurize young women by themselves in particular, so I invented chav fishing.
Now to fish for a chav you need an empty plastic bottle of white lighting or some other cheap and nasty alcohol and some string, you half fill the bottle with water, seal it up and attach some string to the end then, await a group of chav's.  Wait until the chav's are about to walk past your door then throw the bottle on the pavement pulling it back with the string with a call of  "Here chavvy chavvy!!"   The chav's, incapable of comprehending what has just happened generally scowl and look at their feet sticking their pet lips out and hurrying past.
The normal everyday people who witness this however usually burst into laughter and love it, in fact I've been told by a few people how much they'd like to be able to do something similar but they lack the group of doormen eager to kill a chav today for charity!

Crazy Eastern Europeans 1

I've worked with a few foreign doormen over the years, most of whom are stand up guys and certainly not scared of anything put in front them!
One of these guys we called G, now G was from Lithuania and had very eastern block mannerism's, a flat top hair cut and reminded me a little of Dolph Lundgren in his old films, rarely smiling and usually volunteering for the loneliest, coldest jobs going.  One in particular was the back door of our local revolution bar, it was basically a manned fire escape, some nights opened to cool down inside but only used as an exit never an entrance and  it was, in my opinion, the coldest, loneliest most depressing position we had. G loved it.
To make my point a little more about how impassive G was, most doormen would give a thumbs up to each other whilst making eye contact on a patrol, when I patrolled inside however even making eye contact with G was difficult as he would invariably be looking scary, glaring, at the dance floor, occasionally I'd get a nod, not to let me know everything was OK it was more a acknowledgment of my presence... it's not that G was cocky its more he had this genuine belief of, I am here, none shall pass.  We even used to joke that we'd have to be careful with the words we used because we feared if we said "G, let no one out of this door" the bloody building could be burning down and he'd be throwing people back in!  Maybe slightly excessive but you didn't meet the guy!
The clearest memory I have of G was on a weekend night when I had popped out the front of rev's and was smiling as two chav's were being turned away, mouthy as always, they moved on down the side of the bar so the head doorman radioed to G, "G there's two young chav's heading round the back, make sure they don't sneak through and if they give you any grief, hey just kill them."

We smiled at each other then went silent when a thick Eastern European accent came back like a robot "Message received and understood." 

Spin kick mishap

I once worked a venue called BrB, a funky little house bar which got pretty busy on a weekend.  On one of my toilet checks one evening I heard a man in a cubicle with either a cold or a serious breathing problem if you know what I mean!  I dropped to my knees and could see his feet pointing to the side and the shadow from him bending towards the toilet roll holder, I heard tapping which I assumed was him cutting another line, waited until I heard another snort then quickly banged on the door with a shout of

"Security!  Right open up right now no excuses I'm not interested walk straight out and you'll save me a call to the police" 

I try to get this out as quick as possible as the police are indeed not interested in a tiny bit of coke and the shock of being caught but being allowed to leave is usually enough for most people to just hand over whatever they've got left and get out and away as quick as possible, I think this is the easiest and safest way to deal with a drugs find particularly if you're working alone or with one other which in this case I was.  I radioed immediately to my collegue to say I'd caught someone taking drugs and they were leaving, this allows for the offender to hear that he's no longer just dealing with a doorman but at least one other, again a good deterrent, it also makes whoever you're working with aware you're in a situation so if he doesn't hear back he'll be checking on you and hopefully come running if needed!   

The door opened and I saw a typical middle class businessman, maybe 30 years old with a worried expression, perfect and hopefully easy to deal with.

"Ok fella" I said "down the toilet with what's left", he had a baggy with a little white powder in it which he tossed into the pan.
"Right bud straight out and stay away for a few weeks and we'll leave it at that, you've been caught and we can't have that in here ok?"  The man looked sheepish and said "yeah no problems"
As we left the toilets the fire escape is directly in front of us so I opened the doors , stood to the side and said "ok bud see ya later"
.At this point something sometimes kicks in in people's brains, they're passive as hell and the second they see the door reality kicks in and they freeze, and change.  "No, I'm not going my friends are upstairs" he said.  "Now mate" I replied, "it's not up for discussion, you've done drugs in a bar and been caught so its time to go and I'm certainly not going to let you go back to your friends so I've then got a group to deal with am I, now, time to go fella!"
Now I think that's a perfectly reasonable thing to say but apparently he didn't, instead he punched me, or tried to at least!  This terrible swinging right hand came up so slowly my gran could have blocked it, I palmed his arm away with my left hand and open palm pushed him back with my right, he went back into the wall firmly but fine as I shouted "what the fuck do you think you're doing!  Out, now!"
His face screwed up and he came at me again with more force but again with a wild swinging right.
This time, and I have to say it was purely a reflex action, I moved to my right and pivoted on my right foot allowing me to spin kick the man in the back of the head and that combined with his forward momentum sent him sprawling through the air, unfortunately for me the floor had obviously had a drink spilled on it and when I connected with him my balance was shaken and my right foot just slid on the tiled floor, needless to say we both came crashing down to the ground!   I radioed for backup and the smile on Marek's face when he came down to see me sitting next to an unconscious man holding my badly sprained ankle was rather wide!   The moral of the story?  Leave the spin kicks to the movies.

Olympics hijinks

When G4S messed up their security bid for the Olympics it meant certain security work had to be farmed out to local door companies.  I was lucky enough to be asked If I wanted to go to Newcastle for two weeks and work security there, I jumped at the chance of course with the company boss setting up digs for me and one other doorman from Yorkshire, all we had to do was get ourselves there and we'd have two weeks with twelve hour shifts every day, something good to put on the CV I thought.
When we got there we found out our team had been assigned the vehicle IED checkpoint, in other words any vehicle from cars to HGV's to police vans that wished to enter ST James Park had to come through us first, 20 doormen per shift working 7-7 shifts, myself on the quieter night shift and able to utilize some hi tech equipment, a big responsibility one which I'll add at this point (before I tell the funny stuff) we took very seriously and performed with ultra efficiency, much to some policemen's disgust and our joy, after all the police didn't really like being searched by a group of doormen!
Now the basic layout was a blocked checkpoint at one end of a street, two marquees, one for vehicle checks and one for personnel checks, and a final checkpoint at the other end of the street.   Now when a vehicle stops at the checkpoint it's always radioed through to the team leader and if it has the necessary documentation then is allowed straight to the vehicle marquee, this gives around one minute from radio contact to the vehicle pulling into the marquee, the amount of times this was pushed to the very second because, A, we were watching a movie (or porn) against the marquee wall, B, several people were asleep, one time I do actually remember saying, "someone wake Tom up and get him out of the X-Ray machine please" or C, we were messing around in some other way, we're doormen after all and always find a way of entertaining ourselves.
We never let anyone see just how relaxed we were sometimes but then that's the point, when we needed to we were switched on in seconds and I'm proud to say I worked with some great lads there, we did however get a bollocking once as, having been presented with an industrial size X-ray machine it took seconds for us to discuss who was going inside for a scan, totally ignoring the MASSIVE yellow sign warning us not to!   Our team leader took responsibility and, my camera phone at the ready he lay down on the conveyor belt and was then x-rayed coming out of the machine and seeing me filming he shouted "That does not go on YouTube!"
Yes I still have the vid and no it's not on YouTube, (It's on the Facebook Page.)
Much laughter ensues as we see the scan and his ahem, appendage appears rather on the small side!   What we then found out, or rather the following day when we got a bollocking, we were told the damn X-Ray machine was networked and the images had gone straight through to HQ!  From then on the machine was only used for X-Rays, and sleeping.
Things would get a little tedious in the wee hours of the morning and, to keep us on edge, the sacking's, and choking's began.   Choking is as it sounds as an unsuspecting doorman would be taken roughly from behind as it were and placed in a choke, the record stood between 3-4 seconds from taking hold to either making the doorman tap or, well begin to blackout really!  Staff training at its finest and a lesson to always be on your guard.   Sacking's however are something I've always hated as the victim will usually receive a backhanded slap to their balls!  I still work with guys who find it hilarious to do that to each other, myself I prefer the overkill is underrated approach, in other words if you sack me, I'll pick you up by yours!
Needless to say the combination of chokes and sacks led to us standing in the street, on more than one occasion, in the biggest circle you can imagine, just so we could all keep an eye on each other!

Toilet sex in Scarborough

It was a mild autumn Wednesday night in Scarborough at the Blue Lounge, a fun, trendy bar near the town center.  I was working the door with one other guy, Rob, he was a big lad into his bodybuilding and had the same stats as Arnie at one point just nowhere near the definition, but he was a good looking bloke I'll give him that!
It was a quiet night and on one of my random toilet checks I heard a couple having a little too much fun in one of the cubicles!  Now some people say what the hell why not and leave them to it but even more say ugh that's gross!  But the fact of the matter is it's illegal and we have a job to do so I radioed to Rob and told him the situation and to come down to the toilets.  A quick knock on the cubicle door with a call of,
"Ok folks, security, fun's over time to come out and leave please"  hurried exclamations and fumbling ensues with the couple coming out looking slightly ashamed to say the least!  I'm nice about these things as I find it easier to deal with people calmly and judge their response, so I explain that they can't stay now but I'll let them go upstairs, down their drinks if they want to and leave which I thought was perfectly reasonable.
However when the couple return upstairs and get to their drinks they then sit down and refuse to leave questioning what they've done wrong!
Rob and Myself remain calm and explain they can't do that and have to go and if they don't we'll have to remove them and then if they resist the police will be called by the staff not just us and there's cameras everywhere inside and out so there's really no point in trying to stay, basically trying to talk some sense into an alcohol infused brain which is never fun or easy!
The man sits there, folds his arms and says "carry me out then" in unison myself and Rob say "ok"
Robs a big strong lad and moves behind the man, wraps his arms around his folded arms and pulls back and up allowing me to reach down and hold the mans legs together picking him up in a practiced move.  Straight away we're moving to the front door checking his missus isn't going for us which she isn't, just verbal abuse at this point. He struggles a bit but was being more of an arse still than actually trying to fight us so we put him down outside and made sure she had followed us out too.
Constant verbal assaults begin, basically think of all the shit low IQ insults you can and then just pick a few. You get so used to it they just bounce off, usually!
I called for the street cameras to monitor them hoping this would encourage them to move along but sadly not so I had to call for a police unit to just get rid of them, I didn't want an arrest for this that'd mean more paperwork!
When the police arrived I filled them in on the situation then the couple told their side, it still bewilders me why people think the police will tell us to let them back in after they've been literally carried out!
Unfortunately for the couple the police weren't too receptive to them, possibly due to being told that "Scarborough police are a bit fucking short sighted". Quite what this means still eludes me to this day.
The couple are warned yet again to stop swearing, the response, "oh fuck off"  cue two police officers arresting the man.  The smiles seriously broke out now for me and Rob, especially when the guy's missus takes a swing at one of the coppers!
Rob's next to them so bear hugs her (gently he's not a monster) then the police arrest her and lock them both in the van!
I take the officers details from one constable then before they leave the other one comes up to me and says the words ill never forget "All they wanted was a shag, and now they're fucked!"