Do you know who I am 2!

You meet a few minor celebrities every now and then as a doorman and when I was working in a nightclub last year we happened to get some of these folk meeting and greeting customers.  

We had some guys from the tv programme Geordie Shore in one night well I think it was Geordie Shore it could quite easily have been Made in Chelsea, can you tell how much it grabbed my interest!  I was only aware that we had one celeb in and, not watching the show myself I thought I'd best google a pic of him so I knew who I was supposed to be looking after!  I needn't have bothered though because he was so orange from overtanning he stuck out like a sore thumb, he seemed a nice bloke and was very polite and thankful which was a pleasant surprise.  

We barriered off the raised 'gallery' area of the club and he had his own little party going on with plenty of girls queuing to get his attention, after a while though the head doormanc who was enjoying being up there amongst all the young girlies, came to the entrance and told me to stop letting anyone up now as it was getting too busy up there.   So I started turning people away at the front, now em people want to do something in a club and you stop them they're not impressed, it doesn't matter that you can clearly see how busy it it, as far as they are concerned you are solely responsible for ruining their night and they will tell you that!  I must have been there for ten minutes or so when a tall, wavy haired pretty boy came up to me to go up and join the party.

"Sorry fella its too busy up there at the moment." I told him.

He looked irritated and then said, 

"Don't you know who I am little man?"

Little man?  Really?  Is that a good idea to say that to a doorman?  You twat.  Yep I thought all the above and then said

"It's just too busy up there mate."

"Don't you watch tv, don't you know who I am?" Came the condescending reply from the man. 

I noticed the heavy tan and the penny dropped that he must be with our minor celeb, he certainly had the attitude for a male diva!

I leaned forward and spoke in his ear

"No I don't know who you are, and in six months time no one else will either, now wind your neck in and be a bit nicer, it gets you further."

Not a word came back in reply, he actually looked like I'd been the first to tell him just how short lived his career was likely to be!

What happens when a tazer doesn't work!

Thankfully none of the following happened on the door I was working at, I was in Scarborough at the Blue lounge bar listening to the council run CCTV operators following a frequently violent man well known to the police.  He had made one of his random appearances in the town centre and had proceeded to start a fight in the first pub he'd managed to get into, presumably the door staff there didn't know or recognise him but when they had gone to remove him he'd beaten both of them up!   I listened as a member of bar staff was relaying what had just happened to the CCTV operator who acknowledged that he had the man on camera and he was following him as he walked into town.

I could tell from the radio chatter that he was heading in our direction so began to lookout for him in the distance.  Luckily police units had been notified and as I caught sight of the man they were just passing my door.  As soon as they stopped near him he became immediately aggressive and went for one of the police officers, the other jumped on top of him but from what we could see he just seemed to be beating them back!   Two more police units appeared, one came past my door and the other from the far end of the street, presumably in case he decided to run but to be honest he looked like he was enjoying himself!  

This made 6 police officers surrounding him and we could hear an officer shout that he was going to tazer the man unless he stopped,  his response? 

"Come on then!!"

We heard the officer warn him again then the man moved forwards so the officer shouted tazer a few times and we saw the man bend over sharply, he then stood back up with arms out screaming "aaaargh!"   And went straight for the copper who had tazered him!   

We could see a huge scuffle unfold and after 30 seconds or so the man was back on his feet with his back to a wall shouting every name under the sun at the police!  Then the strangest thing happened, he looked at the police in front of him and shrugged his shoulders and shouted "I'll make it easy for ya!"

Holding his arms out wrists together ready to be handcuffed!   It felt like an eternity before two of the coppers moved slowly forwards and cuffed the man who was now as calm as anything!   I dunno maybe he just got bored but I'm glad he didn't head our way first! 

Skanky girls

Now I'm not gonna just sit here and slag girls off as I'm well aware men are just as bad but some of the things girls do and say are just shocking.

I'd easily say that some of the most viscous fights I've ever seen are between girls and sadly I've witnessed more that one girl hit another in the face with a glass or in some cases high heels!   An angry girls high heels can seriously injure you or someone else if she stamps on you foot but I have seen a girl take one off then try to stab another girl in the head with one!  

Hair pulling, scratching, spitting and screaming, there's a reason it's called a cat fight and just seeing one and the evil in the eyes is a scary thing!

Some girls use their sex as a weapon making false accusations and not giving a damn about the consequences regardless of whether an incident was their fault or not or whether the doorman who pulled you off someone actually did grope your boobs or did nothing of the sort!  I knew one doorman who was accused of just this but luckily the CCTV brought a swift end to this thankfully, crying wolf isn't cool in fact it's pretty disgusting especially to people nasty things really have happened to!

The most shocked I've been was when a girl came onto me, 

"Have you got a girlfriend?"

"Yes I have"

"Oh well fuck her off and fuck me tonight she'll never know"

Words escape me.

The same girl who said this to me also blanked me some years later when I tried to be polite, two minutes later she was in a fight and screaming for my help!  

I'd like to say I turned a blind eye but I didn't, well only for a few seconds anyway! 

Maybe it's my age but I live in Yorkshire, where we have 6 months of rain and six months of bad weather, so why girls don't take a jacket out sometimes is crazy to me, especially as jackets are clothing and therefore should be fashionable as well as clothes are?  But no, every night into three or four am you still have girls stumbling to the front door wearing next to nothing and shivering as their exposed stomachs and legs scream for warmth!

How to work a door

Firstly I wouldn't dream of saying I can teach you how to work a door because the truth is I can't, the only person who can know if you can work a door is you, and you won't know that until you're tested.   It's all very well saying you can look after yourself and to comment on how easy the job looks a lot of the time, but could you really do it?  Many people comment that all we do is stand around and talk to people all night. Well for one its our Job to stand around and increasingly it's also our job to represent the venue by chatting to customers so we appear more approachable and put people at ease more.  This is all well and good but it takes years of practice to look at a room and read the people in it, and even then you miss things, I've also been told by an old school doorman that it is indeed a skill in itself to be able to chat away to people whilst still looking around and monitoring the area.

That brings us to my main point, the kickoffs, when a proper fight starts and people are trying to hurt each other it's your job to stop it, and how you deal with it and the injuries you sustain whilst doing so will determine whether you can keep coming back and doing it again because when its real and in your face very little can prepare you for the anger and aggression heading your way. 

Size means nothing and it does become a case of, it's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.  

Plenty of young lads get their licence and then think its fun times and easy money ahead, a great deal of these guys have never stood in harms way before and must genuinely believe that drunken customers will show them respect and do as they are told, oh what a shock some of them get!   

It's not a requirement of being a doorman but it sure helps if you have had some sort of physical training, I mean what makes people think they can physically stop someone or fight someone if they have to with no experience at all?  Military experience is of course the best as you can't get much more real life than that and receive serious hands on training as well as being physically fit.   

Rugby is one of the most common sports doormen used to play as its pretty close to how a scrap on the door can go down and involves plenty of hands on grappling and struggling against others body weights.

The martial arts offer vital instruction on self defence and a wide array of techniques that can assist you on the door but be wary, a tiny slip can be in some cases lethal so unless you practice a move so much your body knows how to react I wouldn't bother, you'll only end up in court defending yourself after being charged! 

Tech on the doors

Technology for the most part has greatly assisted us in the safe running of many doors and many problems can be avoided simply by having a city's CCTV operators monitor the situation and make that fact known!  After all even the drunkest of idiots knows that whoever throws the first punch is the usually the one who gets charged.

The use of radio communication is now part of most venues licences and rightly so, I've worked venues with none and relying purely on being noticed when a fight kicks off in a busy, darkened bar isn't a nice feeling!  I've been in venues when the radios were so bad we used to walk around with our thumb over the speaker to feel the vibration of someone transmitting because the earpiece socket didn't work.   Earpieces themselves have improved greatly although still pick up a great deal of background noise making it difficult to understand transmissions on occasions.  A way around this is to buy a throat mike as they're known which pick up the vibrations from your voice box through your throat, unfortunately unless you have a high quality or rather an expensive one they do tend to make you sound like a robot and are just as difficult to understand! 

In one venue I worked in Scarborough we had a panic button built in to the radio so if we heard a loud beep we checked each doormans static location and if they weren't there, that's where we charged to!  Crude but effective and better than our previous method of using hand signals!

Some venues CCTV was diabolical with grainy black and white images and in some cases delayed recording, this meant that the camera would take a picture every half a second or so which, when played back would flicker as you viewed it.  This system actually saved a doorman I was working with from potentially getting charged one night as he was on the front door of a bar and was getting a lot of aggravation from a young man who wanted to come in, after what seemed like an age the doorman lost his cool and when the young man was in range let fly a quick right straight which sent the lad flying backwards.  Out of order of course and when we looked at the CCTV, because of the delay and the speed of the punch all you can see is the lad in the doormans face and then he's not there anymore!  Lucky escape for him and probably a contributing factor into why they had to be improved!  

Local authority operated CCTV is vital in assisting the police and doorstaff track offenders and just people who shouldn't be let in anymore, we regularly use the system to inform other venues about people who have caused us problems to help keep the real idiots out of everywhere they can cause trouble or hurt people. 

Of course the system is only as good as the operators who monitor it and for the most part do a fantastic job but sadly some of them must think they're watching a tv show instead of real life as they don't seem to understand that when we ask them to monitor our door and ask for police assistance and then stop transmitting, it means we can't!   I've sat there myself and listened to the operator try to raise the door in question and then start slagging them off for not giving him more information!   Sometimes you just bloody can't and if whoever you're dealing with see's you on a radio can attack you without warning because I've been there too.  I understand they they have rules and directives they have to follow but common sense must surely take precedence sometimes in the interest of everyone's safety!   I should mention at this point that there are some fantastic CCTV operators out there and I knew one in particular who used to stay an extra hour after his shift finished, just so he could give us help if we needed it at a particularly troublesome venue, top notch there.   I do remember on one occasion I had an idiot on my front door and the doorman I was with was doing a check inside, I had to put the lad down and before I could reach for my radio I heard the street radio as we call it crackle to life "not sure if you can hear me but I was monitoring that idiot I've got a police unit on the way to you now!"  Cheers buddy and a quick thumbs up to the camera.   

When using a radio you should always check your transmission and receiving capabilities, this is the same for the street radios and when I'm feeling particularly jovial I do like to sign off with a 

"Spank you very much control, this is ...... Signing off, good night!"

Why people think we're arses ... These days

Well primarily I'd say it's because we tell people what to do and as far as most people who've had a drink are concerned, doormen are just people like them and have no right to tell them anything.  Or that's what they truly seem to believe.

I've had people say they're going to bring a policeman to me and have him make me let them in!  Good luck I say and well done for wasting police time, lets get it straight right from the start, we can refuse entry to anyone at any time and we DO NOT have to give a reason.  We usually do of course and for the most part we even try to explain to people what they can and can't do, quite why people think they can have a slash in the road in front of me and then come in is beyond me but then I'm sober I suppose! It's the same with age and dress code, it's a busy Saturday night so you walk the queue checking ID's saying over 21's tonight folks, to be greeted by ID's saying 18, I mean do you think I can't read or do maths?   And when I say not quite the right dress code for a Saturday night there guys, to the kids wearing faded t shirts and crappy trainers, I don't mean explain to me how much your t shirt and trainers cost when they were new I mean put a shirt on and make an effort! 

When the sign says no sportswear it means exactly that, and what's wrong with it like?  As I'm frequently asked, because you look like a chav that's why!

Not long ago four young lads were coming in on a Sunday night and I was on the front door listening to their conversation, the entry fee was £3 each so £12 in total, they had exactly that between them and couldn't understand why I wouldn't let them in!   It ain't no youth club or cinema and if you can't buy a drink then either you're gonna steal one or drink water, we don't want thieves inside and one drinking water is fine, but 4? I don't think so because once again people forget we're also here to help the venue make money!

They're like sheep I tell you!

A quote from a classic, Men in Black, 

"A person is smart, people are dumb, dangerous animals.." 

Never a truer phrase spoken when dealing with crowds of people, countless times over a doormans career he'll have to deal with groups of queuing people and very recently I was reminded about just how stupid crowds of people are, and dangerous.   

We had a relaunching of a popular student night at the nightclub I work at recently, as with all nightclubs we try to get as many people in as early as possible but inevitably large groups arrive at the same time creating a backlog of queues as people pay and check their jackets and handbags.  On this night thou it seemed as thou every student on the area decided to converge on us at the same time, I had only been at work around twenty minutes when I was called to the front door the help Marshall the queue forming, well formed really as our rope and metal barriers were full and the pavement was filled four or five people wide stretching a hundred yards to the entrance of the neighbouring bar!   At first people were moving steadily through but then started to bunch as more and more people joined the main queue to get in.  I was with another doorman watching for people carrying on when a surge happened as some idiots had decided to push people forwards, this of course creates a knock on affect and I could see a few people on the far side of the wall of people getting squashed against the railings on the street.  I forget his name as I've never worked with him before but he looked at me and said, " we're gonna have to get in the middle and create a break mate".  As he said this the fools pushing did it once again and more people looked to be stumbling and getting squeezed so we pushed out way into the centre of the queue shouting as we did for people to back off and stop moving forwards.   It's a dangerous situation as we're only two doormen standing lower than a massive crowd trying to stop them moving and crushing someone, not an easy task!   As someone at the back pushed again we steadied ourselves then I proper started shouting!   I must have looked like a lunatic having a go at the people at the back shouting if I saw anyone push anyone else id bar them for life cos they were gonna hurt someone etc etc!   But it seemed to work as the queue behind us started to thin and create some space so we waited, lord knows how long, holding this massive group of people back shouting at them to stop moving as they constantly kept edging forwards!   Eventually though enough space was created so we slowly let the rest of the queue move up and spread out not looking the most impressed of doormen! That was a potentially dangerous situation but not long after I was called to help deal with the other queue which was the "we're sold out so wait and see queue" even as the main queue emptied we were at capacity so it was a "one in, one out" situation.  Now you explain this to people and as we only ever let two to three people in at a time you'd think that if were in that queue and you saw two or three people going in you move slowly forwards and wait another five mins or so before doing the same, but oh no, as soon as anyone went into the club the entire queue moved as one bunching even closer to the door!  So straight in the middle I went and again the shouting began, this time thou it was irritated shouting as the queue was massively smaller so when I stood in the middle of a two person wide queue of around 30 people and some people went in behind me I couldn't believe when they all moved forwards towards me!   "Stop walking!"  I shouted, still they moved slowly forwards, "seriously what is wrong with you lot, where do you think you're moving to you can see there's no where to go will you stop walking!"  They did but all I can remember is 30 or so blank faces, dumb, dangerous animals.

The things people say to get in

Well all I can say is that alcohol must really stimulate the creative side of people's brain because some of the utter drivel you hear on the door does make you laugh.  

It's almost as if people really don't think we hear the same lines every weekend cos believe me, we do!   I love the girls response to why they're stumbling, most say its because of their heels, some have said this however, when they're barefoot!

The most common response to a refusal or even asking if they're ok cos they seem a little fresh has to be "are you serious?"  I'm literally asked this week in and out and sometimes I must say I want to commit murder when I hear it when I've just tried to be nice!  It's as if people have an attitude replacement that means doorstaff are to be ignored and everything they say needs to be questioned, it's getting pretty irritating to a lot of us who long for the old days when people just did as they were told a lot more and if they questioned you, you knew they wanted to fight you!   It was pretty much cut and dry back then and the arrogance of some people is unreal I mean I stand there saying goodnight to people only to be totally blanked, nice eh. But I digress, again.  

"I'm fine" is another common comment when talking to customers, unfortunately this is usually said as they are having trouble standing up or in some cases, barely coherent! 

"Come on mate, don't be a dick let me in"  Speaks for itself really I mean swear at me whilst asking to be let in?  I don't think so.

But the absolute worst is the guy who tries to buy his way in, I'm not just talking about the drunk with an outstretched £20 in his hand, no I mean the arrogant ones who think just because they have money they can do what they like.

Not that long ago the assistant manager of a nightclub I was working in pulled me to one side, he'd just seen someone urinating in our smoking area which is bad enough but the fact that it was open and had customers in was even worse!  He wanted to be sure who it was as he suspected it was a local "rich boy" part of the next generation of wealthy kids turning 18 and starting drinking, not someone you want to accuse without absolute proof as it could cost the venue lots of money if incorrect and he took offence and decided not to come back.  We checked the CCTV together and it a positive ID, yes it was the lad he suspected it was so I located him, once again in the smoking area and approached him to ask him to leave.  At first he denied it, categorically stating that it wasn't him, it took me saying look I've just watched the CCTV and unless you want to be slapped with an £80 fine from the police I suggest you leave, and because you're blatantly lying to me you can stay away for a few weeks too, start of next month you can come back.   

Well he left without a fuss but came back the following week, he was just being ushered through by one of the promo guys on the front door when I stopped them.  He offered to pay a fine to us so he could come back in but I knew that that would mean nothing to him really, he'd only left without an argument because I'd said I'd involve the police so I stood my ground and said no amount of money could buy his way back in before the end of the month as what he'd done was disgusting and he'd lied about it! Tail between legs he left, score one for doorstaff!

So you think you can work a door?

Well can you?  Because these days it takes more than just being able to fight and stand your ground, in some cases new doormen can't even do that!  Last year I was working at a lovely pub in York and let me tell you, it was one of the easiest doors you'd ever hope to get, sure you're in the city centre and that's not the best for avoiding trouble but when your pub is a family friendly good home cooked grub with cask ales type of place, you can talk most undesirables out of even wanting to come in!  

Sadly though while I was there it was a two man door and nearly every person they sent us was bloody hopeless!  

A couple were nice and good doormen/women but sadly they only did a few cover shifts, and the rest?  Wow is all I can say, this isn't a slagging match as a few or all of the people involved have access to this and will probably agree with me!   First there was Mike, a nice lad and done the job for years, trouble was he was old school and bloody lazy by his own admission!  Still a good guy though wish he'd pulled his socks up!  Next was Andy, self tattooed and no idea why he worked the doors, shop security yes but the real world? I'm amazed he made it though puberty to be honest.  Then was Jack, wow is the best description, very young and probably quite intelligent but for some reason thought a little rugby experience meant he'd be able to be a doorman, a nice lad yes but after two shifts even the pub owner, a former doorman himself, sat him down and told him he thought he'd be better suited to finding a different job because he was gonna get himself hurt!  I mean he was hopeless and I wish him all the luck in the world but I just hope he's not still on a door somewhere!   Finally was Cameron, again a lovely lad and I've seen and heard of him standing his ground against a few big lads but sadly just nothing to him to look at, I mean proper skinny, he worked shop security during the days and was as keen as anything on that I'd heard him on the town radio and he clearly took it seriously but again I hope he's off the doors or has taken some serious martial arts training!

Doormen and Viagra ....

Well we're big kids after all so years ago when Viagra started to become commonplace a few of the lads may have been, ahem, spiked with the substance before a shift!   We learnt quickly to never accept a cup of tea or glass of water from anyone for fear of finding it hard to walk and in some cases I've heard of blue vision!   One doorman I knew decided to start talking it, not because he needed it but because it made it bigger!  So in his mind if he took it often enough then the skin should stretch and he'd always have a big cock! I think he's still alive but I'm grateful to say I don't know the results of said experiment! 

Last year though I found out that one of the meeter's and greeter's where I worked took them due to a high sex drive, and age I'm assuming.  He would quite often pull a girl and arrange to meet her after work and I remember one night seeing him take his magic blue pill just as we were finishing.  A few of us had decided to go for a quick drink when we finished so he'd allowed for this and planned to be away with her within half an hour.  An evil plan began to formulate as I positioned myself within arms reach of him in the bar and then began to talk, as he checked his watch I just smiled and blocked his exit saying,

"Oh I don't think so it should be kicking in about now shouldn't it, I think you're staying out a bit longer!"

I told a few people around us what I'd done so we kept him where he was until it was obvious he wasn't gonna find walking easy!

ID and the lies therein

Well they vary from the giggly white lie to the blatant whopper!   The most common is probably about age or how much they think they've had to drink!   When ID'ing people it's a good idea to ask their age as well as checking the date shown as you'd be surprised how many kids will lie and expect you to just look at the picture, not the date!  Some will even argue the point so convincingly that on occasion I've even doubted my maths!  

Quite recently I confiscated a fake ID from a girl who decided to start insulting me and my professionalism stating that her ID was a brand new type and it was disgraceful how I didn't know about it as it was my job to be aware of changes like this and how much of a hassle it was going to be for her to collect it from the police station.  I mean this girl was so convincing that she deserved an Oscar and did at one point made me question my decision in my head and I had to remind myself that Northern Ireland is actually part of the uk and the licences are the same!  Also it had no hologram when I used a UV light on it and looked cheap and nasty!  Needless to say when I showed a policeman later he didn't really need to take it! 

Of course the biggest problem with ID's I'd say isn't the fakes, they're easy to spot and most places I've worked only accept passports and driving licences, and not clipped passports either, there's a reason they make you change the picture after ten years so if you can't travel abroad on it then what makes people think they can use it to buy alcohol? Bewilders me sometimes.  No the biggest problem in my opinion is siblings, there are countless brothers and sisters out there who look so alike it's easy for a 17 and sometimes 16 year old to steal his or her siblings ID and then pass for 18!  After all why wouldn't we accept it they know all the details backwards, forwards and if they're really clever they'll take a bank card too so even if we check the names match on cards in their wallet it purse it's all legit as far as we can see!  I caught a girl out in Harrogate recently when I happened to be walking through the town centre one day and saw a girl I recognised from the club I work in, the trouble was she was wearing school uniform!  Now when she was out and with makeup she looked old enough bit you'd check her ID just to be sure so I made a mental note and, the next time she came in I checked her ID in the queue, it looked so like her but said she was 19? Still in school uniform?  Even a sixth former wouldn't be that old!  After challenging her on this she said I must have seen her sister in town who looks very similar to her, sadly love I said, With the hairstyle you have you'd have to be twins.  She left and didn't even try to ask for the ID back, one more to send to the DVLA and one more underager caught out!

Gay night in York

Well it's definitely different being a straight guy and doing security for a gay night I can tell you!  

There's a bar/club in York called Blue Fly which used to have a gay night on a Friday evening in the club, trouble wise there's very little usually just putting up with the bitchiness which is free flowing believe me!  I've never heard as many nasty little comments in my life as when I've stood on the front door there and listened to the conversations going on! 

On one night we had a few comical incidents which spring to mind starting with the two straight guys who were just in the bar downstairs.   The only toilets are on the top floor of the club so this couple of friends decided to go and use the cubicle to listen to some white powdered angels if you know what I mean!  The only trouble was they went in together right when I decided to take a leak and check the toilets.   The radios we had were useless but I used it anyway to let the guys downstairs know I'd caught two guys doing drugs and we were coming down, this was more for their benefit than mine, after all they weren't to know that the lads probably hadn't even heard me because they so badly needed servicing.  I issued my usual straight out the door guys and we'll leave it at that warning which worked fine, right until they got to that invisible barrier on the front door that makes some people freeze.  The first lad looked quite rough if I'm honest and just happy to leave with no fuss but his friend was a bit more well groomed, and cocky. 

"What if we weren't doing drugs?  What if he's my boyfriend, can we stay then? He ventured.

I didn't even have time to answer before his mate turned round and slapped him in the face! 

"We were doing coke!, don't you call me a puff!" He shouted as he stormed off down the street!  

Later that evening there was a fight inside, I use the word fight loosely but from what I can now gather was that one of the lads in a group had not liked another talking to some other guys so he'd half punched, half slapped him!  Real schoolyard stuff and certainly not doing the stereotype for young gay lads any good made worse when we escorted the offender out.  He left fine and walked off but left half a dozen skinny, whiney and just wet lads talking about the situation.  One ventured his opinion to me in a high pitched camp voice, 

"We'll you don't need to worry about him fella, and his boyfriends still upstairs, he's a bit upset but you don't need to worry about him either, and him, there walking after that guy, you don't need to worry about him either."

Something in my brain actually melted I think as I said

"I don't need to worry about any of you, you're all 8 stone wet through will you just go back inside please!"

Of course to a group of gay guys that was amazing because as one they replied "ooooooo!"

I sighed as they spoke quieter and started to move to the entrance and started to roll myself a cigarette to subdue the irritation when the lad who'd spoken to me noticed and said in a camp sarcastic way,

"Smoking on the door?  That's not very professional is it?" 

I looked him up and down, he was wearing trainers with camouflage trousers and an Ultimate fighting T-shirt, the only problem was he was literally 8 stone and looked ill, I mean borderline smack head territory!

"Sweetheart you're wearing army trousers and a cage fighting t shirt and clearly have never done either so big bag of shush for you yeah?"

No comment and he went inside!

The police and how they vary!

Now first and foremost this is not a slagging off of the police force, or service or whatever the politically correct term is as you're reading this more of just a few bits n pieces.

For the most part I've worked alongside some fantastic police officers over the years, I was chatting to a sergeant when I first went to Scarborough and told him how I really noticed how they worked with us and he commented that its so busy in Scarborough sometimes that there's limited police and doorstaff so if we didn't work together it wouldn't work.  So refreshing to hear that when I've personally dialled 999 in one other area asking for help the police never came, sorry but it's just a fact it's only or area but massively disappointing.

Again that's not to say other areas the police haven't been amazing towards us obviously Scarborough for one but also up in Newcastle when I first started on the  doors things were a little more, shall we say tasty, and self defence didn't come into it sometimes.

Thankfully these days in extreme situations doorstaff are permitted to use a first strike but unless you're prepared to stand in court saying and being able to prove that doing so prevented further harm coming to yourself or others it's just not worth it so you have to wait for the hit to come, back in the day thou ..... 

Well lets just say one night two lads had tried to get in the door I was on with another guy, even at the end of the street they looked like trouble and back then I was a little hothead who to be honest needed a crack to bring me back to reality sometimes!  On this occasion thou when I refused them and one guy became aggressive he tensed quickly I the spot to make me react, well I did I hit him.  Cue two mins of me and the guy I'm with putting them down and then having them lifted, sadly they decided to put all the blame on me, well it was pretty much me being overly aggressive yes but I guarantee they were the sort of guys who kick you in the head if you were down and scrapped every weekend so no biggie in my eyes.  They clearly knew a bit more than I did about the law, this is fifteen years ago and doorstaff didn't need to know the law then just be able to scrap when you had to so I could sense I was in trouble here, luckily though the officer dealing knew them and took me to one side looking me square in my eyes, nodding at me and saying "you were in fear for your life you say then?" 

Thank you very much for that, mental note made!

I did have a cheeky dig one quiet night in Leeds when a sergeant and newly badged lad were out on patrol.  I'd spoken to the sergeant plenty of times and he didn't look happy at all this night, when the new guy was chatting to my colleague the sergeant told me what a nightmare this guy was, straight arrow no life experience and way too much OCD, so in other words he was having to work properly!  The new guy was clearly pretty arrogant and didn't have much respect for doorstaff by the way he was talking to us so when he commented that he'd heard bouncers were just thugs really I smiled with a "actually we're highly trained intelligent thugs, cheers pal"

"Oh yeah?" He said, "what do you mean by that?" 

Nice, he'd bitten, time for a play.

I've always loved useless information so threw something at him,

"Well Ive had a decent education, certainly good enough to know where the word 'copper' comes from, do you?"

"Course" came the smug response, "it's from when we used to carry copper badges years ago"

I made the buzzer fail sound and reeled off "oh our survey says no!  Actually it's from the Latin capere which means to seize or 'capture',  what about something simple?  Policeman, does that mean then?"  The sergeant smiled at me but the lad cracked!  Clearly he must have known but was scared to say in case he was put down again so called me a smart arse and said come on then to his sergeant.  As they walked away I couldn't resist calling after him, "don't worry it does come from Latin too!  Politia! Polis! Greek cities mate so it's man of the city!"  I'm like a dog with a bone sometimes.

Maybe I shouldn't have said that ....

A lot of doormen don't show their fun side, some don't have one of course but most are just at work and paying attention, plenty of people have come up to me and told me to smile and asked me what's wrong, the answer, nothing at all I'm just at work!  I'll have a laugh and a joke and a sexy sidle up to an unsuspecting doorman with the best of them when I can but coming accross as a bundle of fun may make people smile at you more but we're not there for that and joking away isn't exactly off putting to any lads out for a scrap!  

That being said making customers laugh when they're not expecting you to have a sense of humour is all part of the job and you can build a good rapport with people by doing this.

Of course there's the flip side to having a sense of humour and that's being a bit cheeky and getting away with it, I've been hit in the face and replied "I've had harder sex than that, I'd fuck off now if I were you."  Not the best response but it felt right in the moment!

When you turn a cheeky goit away and they say "what's wrong with me?", I like the reply "would you like the list?"

Or in some cases "well it's just a multitude of sins really."

My best mate is a 6'3" ish DJ who looks like he's either sponsored by Nike air Jordan or has walked straight off the set of a hip hop music video.  Missing a front tooth and always sporting a baseball cap and matching sweatbands, that's not taking into account the mahoosive Ali-G coat he wears in winter, oh and he's white.  That's the truly awesome pro DJ L-ROK who once complained to me that every time he travels he gets stopped and searched!   My response to dear Russ, "look at you mate, you've gotta be guilty of something!"  I've since used that to the extra annoying on the door when required!

There's a generic response i use to the older generation who seem to always want to say, "are you going to ask for my ID ha ha."  Said deadpan I use,

"No im sorry i can't accept bus passes"

Of course there's the phrase I use to the nicer cheeky girls who come in, I swear it didn't start as a line, I said it to a girlfriend years ago and she didn't know whether to slap me or not and usually gets the same response, 

"sweetheart you're pretty, you don't have to talk." Said with a cheeky smile, and just out of range.

I also nicked a bit from an episode of blackadder which can be used to either really confuse the seriously inebriated or put down the people who look down their noses at doorstaff, when they say something they think is smart I use

"I'm sorry your confabulations are confounding me" and watch their faces twist as the brain tries to catch up! 

For the real cheeky little git who repeats everything back to you there's a scene in Red Dwarf I love, turn to your mate and say, "signs of primitive intelligence and mimicry, with patient tuition he could possibly master simple tasks!" 

As I've said, little pleasures get you though. 

Keeping myself amused

Well I've been told i look like an actor once or twice as I apparently have a resemblance to Michael Fassbender, no he's younger than me so it's the other way around thank you so very much!  

I do however love to do impressions and accents when I'm at work, it's probably my over active brain keeping me entertained but I love my films, I love making strange accents so therefore I love doing movie quotes in the correct accent!   I grew up in Scotland and I've moved around a bit too so I seem to be a bit of a chameleon with accents confusing plenty of people over the years by affecting a Scottish or South African accent for the evening and then changing it when people have just got used to it, sigh small pleasures eh although this did backfire once in Scarborough when a customer said something to me in Afrikaans, so I pulled my joker card and switched to Manuel from Fawlty Towers with a "Keh?" And a big smile!

As for the impressions I once did a silly meerkat impression towards a barmaid in Scarborough and managed for the next year to only do it when she could see it so no one else ever believed her! 

For some reason though I've always loved the Sean Connery, yesh, mish moneypenny, although I do tend to switch to the trainspotting version for my own amusement.  And mission impossible, nothing beats having that music and being dressed all in black, so many places to hide in a darkened nightclub.  Yes we're all just big kids.

Fashion and it's consequences

Over the years bars have had to either change their dress codes following modern trends or risk losing custom, some bars and clubs think themselves above others and can therefore dictate their policies.  Whether this works or not is simple, they're either still open or closed down!

I've had to turn people away many a time for dress code violations, or making those violations up on the spot to give a reason why I don't want the particular person in, when actually all I'm thinking 

is, "TROUBLE!"  

More often than not people argue with you, usually about how much their trainers cost, well go for a run in them then!   Honestly if you think that wearing Nike Air's to a trendy club on a Saturday night when you're supposed to be dressing to impress is a good idea then you need to go home and rethink your life.

One of the fashion trends I've always hated though is the bloody jeans-half-way-down-your-arse-tied-tight-with-a-belt look!  I mean come on guys most of you probably need a wipe there's no need to get your ass out.

Luckily I worked at a bar once whose manager really hated it so banned it from his premises!  Fantastic, especially when the DJ who was one of the worst offenders, turned up on a Saturday night and was told to pull his trousers up much to our delight, but once he stepped inside he pulled them back down!   Well the two doormen I was with on the front door both looked at me and one said,

"Can we go in there and carry him to the DJ box by his jeans?"

"Yep, go for it" I replied

So they did, the scream as his crotch was clearly being split in two was heard in the street!

Staff, ahem, "training"

I use the term loosely as in the old days staff training consisted of being able to get out of a choke hold or being able to protect your nuts from a cheeky back handed slap from one if your "mates"

In fact at one club I worked at when we closed if anyone shouted "staff training" all the glass collectors would run and hide!  This may have been because we used them as "demonstration models"

The worst I ever saw the choking and the sackings as they're called get was at the Olympics when at around 5am when we were at our quietest 16 of us who were waiting for a car to check had to stand and talk to each other in a large circle in the street so we could keep our eyes on each other for fear of the dreaded sack or choke out, one lad forgot to tap at one point and turned a funny shade of purple. 

Old school doormen are a funny breed and they are similar to a wolf pack with the alpha male being the head doorman and so on, the similarities don't stop there as the fight for top dog or "hardest" used to be commonplace and you could feel the tension in the air as someone would challenge someone else, usually verbally but sometimes things would get a little physical with a play fight turning a little nasty on more than one occasion.  Because I'm not the biggest doorman by any means, at my heaviest I was 85kg or around 13 1/2 stone, I had to choose my battles wisely, after all if you back down you lose face and in the old school mentality that means you lose respect too.  

One time an old school doorman had me in a bear hug, he was a large man and squeezing me smiling knowing it was starting to hurt, "whatcha gonna do now then?" He said.

Well in reality you've few options with a smashing head butt to his face being the best I could see but obviously didn't do!

No instead I used my brain and said quietly in his ear,

"You've proved your point it hurts, Which hip was it you had replaced again?  Be a shame if I got the wrong one when I punch it as hard as I can."

He put me down.

The busiest half hour I've ever had!

Before the late drinking licences came in, I, like many doormen worked first in a bar then went straight to a club.  It was a regular Saturday night at revolution bar, nice n busy and not too much trouble.  When I finished at twelve I drove to Carringtons nightclub, changed from black to white shirt, had a quick smoke and went In at half twelve. 

It was busy and my main Job was to float around all the bars and help where needed, now back then with every room open Carringtons was over 1000 capacity and it was nearly full.  Everywhere I went I found people carrying on!  I'd walk round the corner into a fight and have to take one guy out the front while the other was taken out the back way to stop them fighting in the street.  I walked into the toilets and caught a guy doing coke, out the front door.  Several guys around the club could hardly stand, out the front door!  

Another potential fight so out one of them goes. This went on until I brought another drunk out to the main entrance and saw the manger and head doorman in discussion and looking at me, they motioned me over and said,

"Dan you've been here half an hour"

"Is it? That's gone slow I said"

"You've taken eleven people out, keep going like this we'll have no one left, you're not on commission you know!"

Kids nights, definitely different!

You don't see it as much these days but a lot of nightclubs used to have an underage night midweek, a good idea in principal but bearing in mind adults act like children when they get drunk and although we would never serve them alcohol, they just drink before they come in!  Obviously it's our job to weed out any kids who've had a drink but it's not as easy as you'd think when they down half a bottle of vodka two mins before coming in so you can't tell cos it'll take another ten mins to kick in! 

I do remember standing at the bar in a club one night and listening to a girl ask for two glasses, that's it no coke no lemonade just the glasses.  So I calmly followed her and removed the bottle of vodka she'd had hidden in her bag.

They can be a problem when they kick off too as when one lad maybe 16 years old, was kicked out of an underground nightclub I worked at for fighting inside, jumped down the steps superman punching the head doorman breaking his nose!  If memory serves two years later the lad suffered the same fate after kicking off, from the same doorman, karma's a bitch.

On one night I was standing talking to the DJ when a young lad picked up a girl and pulled off her skirt to reveal a tiny green g-string!   The DJ's comment,

"It'd be ok if she was wearing a sign saying I'm over 16 but I'm not sure she is"

I sighed,

"Yep I can feel the handcuffs tightening I'm going for a smoke"

Attempted knifepoint robbery, in an Indian!

When I started working for a large door around Leeds bars and clubs closed a lot earlier, mine was at two am so we either went out for a few or, once a month or so, would all meet when we finished for a sit down curry and catch up.  There could be up to 30 doormen having a slap up meal in an empty restaurant in the middle of the night, still in our work gear chilling out the owner loved us, and why wouldn't he?  We have him loads of extra custom when he'd normally be closed and we never made a mess as we were sober! Well mostly.

It was around 3 on a Saturday night when we were relaxing, having food and chatting away when the front door burst open and two skinny youths brandishing stanly knives ran to the counter near the door where the owner was tidying away some menus.

They seemed to slow down mid run to a stop and in unison turned to face the, as they must have thought was empty, restaurant.

The room was silent as we watched as both their hands holding the knives dropped slowly to their sides and then, as one, sprint straight back out of the door into the night! 

The first snigger began a few seconds later then we were all in fits of laughter as the owner came to us all shouting "I love you all, nobody try steal from me again!" 

He started shaking out hands and a free round or two of drinks came our way, very nice of him it was too.   I wish we'd be able to see their faces which must have been a picture being greeted by a room full of shaven headed, mostly oversized men all dressed in black staring straight at them!