I mean a few years ago I was working in Scarborough and one of my mates from home asked me how good my lads were, "Yeha they're a good group mate" I said "Why do you ask?"
"Oh, I just wondered how they'd react to me and the boys pullin up in a van and gaggin and baggin ya and sticking you in the back, I'm comin to Scarborough next weekend by the way" A somewhat different response than I was expecting!
"Probably not the best idea mate" I said
"It's a bit too public, quite possibly someone'll call the police"
"Well I need to do something" came the disgruntled response. You see he meant it, Keith was a 29 stone 6'8" skinhead tattoo sporting biker who had previously split his own tongue like a snake because "I thought it looked good"
His sense of humour was slightly, different shall we say, when I first met him at work many years previously his opening line was "you're new, I've good news and bad news for you, the good news is I'm totally wasted, the bad news is you're carrying me home"
And fell on me, not pleasant!
We agreed he could test them a bit when he came over but I decided to tell my manager, just in case he was watching the CCTV and panicked!
Come Saturday night I'm on the front door of my bar with two doormen in tow.
"Jesus" says Andy, "have you seen the size of that guy comin down the street?"
"Not right for our place Andy" I said, "make sure he doesn't come in"
"Piss off you're head doorman you do it!" Came the hurried response!
Keith approached the door with five of his equally tattooed biker mates.
"Not tonight mate, you're not quite meetin our dress code" I calmly said.
"And what the fuck are you gonna do about it little man" said a snarling Keith
"My job fella you're not dressed right for here" I replied
Keith was, as always wearing a black t shirt, leather waistcoat and black jeans.
"I have to dress like this cos I'm too big" came his reply.
"Well you shouldn't be so big then should you!"
At this point Andy and Tony looked slightly concerned, probably that I was about to be eaten.
"You cheeky like shit!" He snapped "are you being fattist?!"
"Well I wouldn't if you stopped eating so much!" I shouted
Andy and Tony are intelligent enough to work out that something's not right here and the smiles from Keith's mates weren't helping either!
"Sod it i've nicked your doorman!" shouted Keith and proceeded to bend down, pick me up and throw me over his shoulder before literally skipping off down the street giggling and cackling like a little girl!
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